Dear Bri-bot,

Sorry. Let’s do a nice topic next, yes? It must be hard to read that one, just as it was hard to write. Not very well-written either.

NOW! Onto bigger and better things! Your post!

Let’s see. I think you should write about another time. Or maybe do it over? I feel okay saying that because I think it applies to myself as well. Your introduction (your mother crying easily) I like. It’s funny; you’re funny.

It doesn’t come off as very painful, for some reason, which is confusing because I remember how hurt you were and how much you cried. The inconsolable you doesn’t translate well in the paragraphs from “When I came back from an unfulfilling night” to “low point.” Low point? Understatement at best, at worst, distanced and practically robotic. Not convincing.

Frankly the best part of this was the end (which is a good thing). Leaves me with something. This I like: “It was a little startling, like a good friend didn’t show up for a date. ” I like moments like that. I want to hear more about why you’re telling this story in the part before that. It comes off like you didn’t care much (jumping around and saying “I graduated about eight months later”). Too synopsy and uninvested.

Why don’t we do a new topic? I’ll keep my bathos in reign and you’ll keep your cyberbrain Spock locked in a galaxy far far away. I need so much practice writing it’s revolting.



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